Thank you for visiting my page. This blog is my way of keeping my son’s Oscar Douglas Reay alive.
I hope that you find comfort through my words like i have through other mother’s blog.
March 25, 2017
A day forever etched in our hearts. It’s been 3 days and we are still trying to come to terms with the pain and loss.
Oscar Douglas Reay, our baby boy born into heaven at 12.07am. Weight 300g, height 25 cm. What started as the happiest day of our lives soon turned into sorrow.
When I found out I was pregnant, to say I was shocked was an understatement . I have always been told by doctors that it was going to be a bit harder than most to fall pregnant, yet when we were not even trying, a little miracle happened. Our hearts were full with happiness knowing that we didn’t have to go through the pain and heartaches of what if’s.
As soon as I was pregnant, I committed myself to being healthy, no junk food, none of my favourite foods, no wine, a much more healthy lifestyle.
Seeing you at our 12 week scan was one of the proudest and most precious moments of our lives. Watching you open your mouth, wriggle around and do somersaults in my tummy filled us with so much pride and when we saw and heard your little heart beating, it brought us to tears of absolute happiness.
We did all the tests and each time we were categorised as being very low risk. Our boy was very healthy and developing perfectly. I wanted a baby boy from the start and when we found out we were having one, my heart exploded with so much joy and happiness.
A little man who was going to be a mumma’s boy for sure and a little sportsman just like his dad. We hoped he would love basketball and still excel in his studies. We even started planning his life, like thinking of the schools we might send him to.
Through those 5 months, i believed that once the 12 week mark was reached, the chances of losing your baby drastically decreased and when you hit 16 weeks you were in the safe zone.
Yet no one mentioned that there is still a possibility that you could have a stillborn, a baby fully formed with all the perfect features, just waiting to grow a little more every week before entering the World.
Every time I look in the mirror, I can’t help but cry. Gone is my bump that I so lovingly and proudly displayed the last 5 months. Instead it is a flat stomach that I would have loved 6 months ago but now hate.
Words can’t express what we are going through right now. In his short life, Oscar gave us the most incredible gift of all and that was the privilege to become doting parents to a perfect little boy. He was incredibly loved and wanted from the start. His Daddy and I would give anything to have him run around in this empty house, cry because he was hungry, laugh because we pulled a funny face or made a funny sound. We would take all the sleepless nights, the nappy changes, anything just to have him with us. He deserved to open his eyes, be part of this World and live a long life. All of our hopes and dreams for him are now shattered. I remember thinking of his first day of school, his life milestones, even how I would be at his wedding one day.
Our little man, what your daddy and I went through the last 3 days is incomprehensible. To give birth to you, to be able to hold your little body, seeing all the features you had including my nose and daddy’s feet. I wish I could wind back time and change what’s happened but I can’t. The tears won’t stop. The void you have left can’t be filled. My body aches for you and my heart is broken into million pieces. Rest in peace, our gorgeous baby boy. You will never be forgotten and your legacy will live on in our hearts and in everything we do, forever. Most people dream of angels. I held one in my hands if only for 11 hours but I would never, ever give back those hours.
We have been blessed with amazing family and friends and our little man would have been so lucky to have you all in his life. Thank you for your beautiful words, thoughts and prayers for Oscar and for the love and support we continue to be showered with. We appreciate it ever so much.
In your life you always want to join an exclusive club, but this is one club I wish we never joined, or never existed for that matter. Stillbirth happens every day around the World. In Australia alone, 6 women give birth to a child each day, yet never get to take him or her home. It is taboo to talk about it. But I won’t hide it. Over the last few days I’ve had to refer to the ‘death of my son’ every time I spoke to someone official. So yes I am now a Mum and always will be. We lost our first child, our first boy and I would never want him to be forgotten or not acknowledged because he is special to us and will always be a part of our little family.
One day we will meet our little Angel again and get to know him like we should have been able to on this Earth but until then, look after us our precious boy.
“Mummy’s nose and Daddy’s toes. Rest peacefully our beautiful little son Oscar xo”
Love you now and forever,
Your Mummy and Daddy.